Take a good look at your brothers and sisters; for most of us, family is an oasis of affection amid a sea of indifference. Your brothers and sisters are probably typical Virginians; not the homeliest creatures to walk the earth, but not glamour-model good looking, either. They probably have their share of troubles and bad habits, too. Families are nature’s way of gathering together and protecting a group of people most of us could not stand to have as friends. Without families and marriages, humans might cease to exist altogether. Your Mom is living proof of the power of evolution to keep the human race going. She does not want you to divorce because, instinctively, she knows it breaks up a family. She knows a lot more than she’s willing to admit, though.
It May be Critical to Self-Preservation
The instinct for self-preservation is so strong, only parenthood seems to overcome it. You may need to think about that when your Mom tries to argue you down from divorcing your wife. She is trying hard to preserve the so-called sanctity of marriage, the family unit, and the happiness of her baby boy (that’s you). In that mix you may also need to consider her interest in her grandchildren.
The truth is you need to assert your will for self-preservation — preservation of your spirit, your inner peace, your pursuit of happiness — above your instinct to obey Mom. She may want the traditional trappings of a seemingly happy life for you, without recognizing the misery you are enduring by keeping up that facade.
Going through a divorce can be constructive, not wholly destructive; you can rebuild a happier life for yourself — and your kids — by stepping away from an unhealthy marriage. Mom may know deep down that you need to move on, but convincing her is not your primary worry.
First is the Worst?
The first divorce in America — quick, what century? 19th? 18th? Nope and nope. The 17th century, 1643, saw our first divorce, according to History.com, when Anne Clarke divorced Denis Clarke on grounds he abandoned her. He had two children by her, but ditched her for another woman with whom he also had two children. Frisky man, that Denis.
Your Mom may entertain extremely outdated notions of the stigma of divorce. Sure, rates for divorce have risen and fallen historically, and today you have roughly equal odds of staying hitched or getting divorced. That does not mean you are somehow damaged goods for divorcing a woman with whom you are completely incompatible.
Virginia’s divorce numbers have climbed in step with its population, as reported by the Virginia Department of Health; it is as common (or rare, Mom) as it has been for decades. You will not be the first to divorce, and certainly not the last, and you have nothing to answer for. In fact, you could brag to Mom that Virginia has the 9th lowest divorce rate in the country — 9.6 percent — (as tabulated by Statistics Brain), so the state can afford to cut you a break, even if Mom cannot.
It Can Make You Happier & Healthier
Who deserves to be happy? Who deserves to be healthy? Everyone, of course, and that includes you and your children. If you are in the throes of a bad marriage, this may be hard to accept, but even your wife deserves happiness. Your Mom, deep down, wants you to be happy and healthy.
For many, divorce ends a perpetual round of sickness, mental duress, fatigue, bad sleep, and stress. Mom may never want you to see just some of the effects of a bad marriage:
- Depression
- Heart disease
- Anxiety
- Elevated blood pressure
When you vowed “in sickness and in health,” the two of you were supposed to battle outside adversity together, not inflict it on each other. While divorce temporarily adds its own stressors, you will probably be better off escaping a bad marriage than slowly decaying in it.
It Can Put You in a Good Place Financially
You should neither marry nor divorce for money (Mom is right about that), but in some cases getting divorced can put you ahead, financially. Mom probably did not want you to know these three aspects of the financial side of divorce:
- A divorced couple will do better than a married couple with the Alternative Minimum Tax (AMT)
- Whichever ex-spouse pays the other for spousal support gets a tax deduction that reduces her or his income, lowering the tax bill, says the IRS
- Better Social Security benefits — You can collect a full spousal benefit at full retirement age, based on her income, by meeting certain conditions, according to the Social Security Administration
It Can Make You Wiser
Mom may not like the idea that divorcing an incompatible spouse sets the stage for a more successful second marriage. She probably cannot admit to you or herself that your first wife was an ideal training ground for a better, second marriage.
Research shows that second marriages end in divorce less often than first marriages, so both husband and wife have wised up once they go around again.
Grandchildren Are Protected!
Mom thinks her beloved grandchildren will disappear with your ex-wife. She forgets about visitation, shared custody, and the Code of Virginia. The court will protect the best interest of the child, which means her grandchildren; grandparents can even petition for custody!
Mom means well. She told you, and your brothers and sisters, you were the handsomest, prettiest, bestest people in Virginia. Take a hard look at your brothers and sisters again. Maybe Mom sometimes hid a few basic truths from you.
Call The Divorce Lawyers for Men
Give The Firm for Men a call at 757-383-9184, or contact us online. We can share some other cold, hard facts about separation, divorce, and custody with you. Later, if you want, you can run them by your Mom. Or not.
The Firm For Men is proud to serve the Southside including Virginia Beach, Chesapeake, Portsmouth, Norfolk, and Suffolk as well as the Peninsula, including Hampton, Newport News, and Yorktown. We’re located just a short drive from most points in Hampton Roads.
