Virginia’s lawmakers cannot be accused of stuffy consistency. The phrase, “best interests of the child” appears five times in the divorce section of Virginia’s Code. But, the phrase “best interest of the child” appears another three times. Singular, plural; it really does not matter. Virginia goes to great lengths to prioritize children’s needs in a Virginia separation and divorce.
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- Kids Are the Priority
- Their First Teacher is YOU
- Our Natural Reactions to Conflict
- “You’re Right”
- Putting the Focus on Your Children During Divorce
Kids Are the Priority
Upon becoming a Virginia parent, you are suddenly second fiddle. Always, your children are more important than you, their needs and wants come before your needs and wants, and you change your life to improve theirs.
Some folks cannot handle that. Some folks may talk the talk, but their actions betray them: they are too self-involved to place the needs of their kids first. Plenty of divorcing Dads do that. They think the world has never seen so great a tragedy as the dissolution of their marriage.
Get over yourself. Prioritize your kids’ needs. Especially when dealing with family law issues like separation, divorce, custody, and support, your kids come first.
Their First Teacher is YOU
You are your child’s first teacher. We are not saying you are the best teacher. Most of us, as parents, are probably not the best at anything. That’s okay! You are allowed to make mistakes, even so large a mistake as marrying in the first place. But you are the first adult your child turns to for guidance, model behavior, and ways to cope with conflict.
Keep that in mind as you deal with disagreements:
- You and your divorcing spouse
- You and your kids’ teachers
- You and extended family
- You and your kids!
You cannot become a Zen master overnight, but you can learn to keep calm and carry on.
Our Natural Reactions to Conflict
Many men have an instinct to react with aggression if they feel a conflict brewing. Humans have evolved five physical, hormonal, and emotional mechanisms for dealing with problems:
- Flight — You run away to avoid danger (heartily recommended, even by a Navy SEAL, in most situations)
- Freeze — Your body tenses, your muscles contract, and you cower, a timid rabbit in the undergrowth
- Flop — Your muscles let go, you become a bag of sand; your mind shuts out stimuli like pain, noise, and physical contact
- Fight — You react aggressively against a perceived threat (but what if the threat is three years old?)
- Fawn — You try to please someone to avoid conflict at any personal cost
When faced with conflict, short-circuit your “Five F” responses by asking your opponent to provide more detail, as advocated by executive leadership coach Lolly Daskal:
- Spouse: “You said I was bad with our money; I’m hoping you can give me some specifics”
- Teacher: “You stated that my kid cannot do all the multiplication tables. Can you tell me which numbers she struggles with, and which ones she aces?”
- Extended family: “You claim I always give Mom cheap gifts. You know my finances. Which of my gifts to our mother did you think was below your standard?”
- Your own kids: “You said you never want to speak to me again because I will be moving out. Can you tell me why I would not deserve to hear your beautiful voice again?”
“You’re Right”
A popular internet rumor claims Keanu Reeves avoids conflict by simply agreeing with everyone, even with a claim as outrageous as 1 + 1 = 5. Though no concrete evidence exists that he said this, the strategy itself is spot-on.
Some conflicts are necessary and worthy of your efforts. Always model behavior for you kids in which you advocate for truth, honesty, and a strong moral compass.
And we are not talking about the negative trait of being conflict avoidant as described by Psychology Today.
We are dealing with superficial conflicts that are a waste of time and emotional energy. With children especially, you waste time encouraging a conflict over trivia:
- “You can tell me the cat spoke to you in Spanish, but we still have to get ready for daycare”
- “I’m fine with you believing you saw spaceships in the basement, but be sure to let me know if you ever see real people we don’t know inside our house”
- “Well, you like pink and your friend likes blue, but does that mean one of you is right and the other is wrong? Or does it mean people can like different things?”
Putting the Focus on Your Children During Divorce
Some humming, happy households have a policy that the spouse that brings up a remodeling project is automatically in charge of getting it done. For shaky households, with separation and divorce brewing, you and your departing spouse are in a survival mode.
Both of you need to look past your own issues and see things from your children’s perspective. Then ask each other, “How do we fix this for them? How do we protect them during this transition?”
This strategy is great when whining children bring you their problems, hoping to just whine and get attention:
- “So your ice cream fell off the waffle cone onto the sidewalk and now your entire day is ruined? If we cannot spend more money on ice cream, how can we fix this?”
- “Oh, your favorite blouse has strawberry jam on it? How can we fix that? Do you have a second-favorite blouse?”
- “You hate me because Mommy and I are separating? You know, I was thinking of having a room for you in my new home, for when you stay with me. Do you think it should be painted yellow or green? Would you be willing to decorate it?”
If you keep your kids foremost in your mind, no conflict will ever loom large enough to throw you off your game or disrupt your serenity.
Protect your kids and protect yourself. Contact The Firm For Men today, or call our offices at (757) 383-9184 to arrange your appointment. We specialize in helping Virginia’s men safeguard their finances, their rights, and the enduring relationships with their children.