Busch Gardens Williamsburg’s Pantheon roller coaster is rated the best in the state by Theme Park Tribune. Now, discerning Dad, what does that tell you about Busch Gardens as the ideal spot to introduce your new romantic partner to your kids? Not sure? We’ll tell you, but here’s a hint: A Virginia man has got to know his limits.
Jump to a Section
- Dating While Separated
- Dating After Divorce
- Should I Introduce Everyone I Date to the Kids?
- Your Kids’ Emotions
Dating While Separated
You and your spouse separated. You had kids together. In almost every case, you two have to wait a year to divorce, under Code of Virginia § 20-91. During that time, you are not technically free to date, since you and your spouse are still married. (In Virginia, you are either married or unmarried, with no such thing as “legally separated.”)
If your spouse wants to make your life miserable, your no-fault or uncontested divorce could become a fault-grounds divorce, with your spouse citing your open adultery as the reason.
We professionally advise against dating while separated, though your own experienced family law attorney can provide the best counsel.
Dating After Divorce
Once a Virginia Circuit Court judge delivers the final divorce decree, you are technically and legally free to date any adult you want. What your family, ex-spouse, and kids think matters, but nobody can accuse you of something even mildly illegal.
Still, you have to make a connection between your kids and your new partner or partners at some time. And at some place, which brings us back to Busch Gardens.
Busch Gardens is probably a terrible place to bring your romantic partners into contact with your children by your former spouse. Why?
- The ideal location will be relatively free of distractions and stressors (noisy roller coaster, long lines, hot pavement; get the idea?)
- The ideal spot will allow for quiet, casual interaction that includes give and take, ebb and flow (you would never let your kids wander alone in Busch Gardens, would you?)
- The ideal time and place will be something the kids already do, with you, with some frequency (do you actually have 12-month membership cards to the Gardens?)
Here are some better visitation spots than a noisy, crowded amusement park, depending on kids’ ages:
- A petting zoo or regular zoo
- A city or state park
- A bowling alley
- The beach and boardwalk
- The local library’s story hour
- A hiking trail and trailhead
- A state fishing and boating lake
What do these places offer? They are inexpensive, often quiet, shady or sheltered places that allow you to roam away from your new partner so the kids can make friends on their own. They are neutral, public places with few distractions so casual conversation can arise naturally.
Should I Introduce Everyone I Date to the Kids?
Every healthy adult has urges. Once divorced, you may rebound with an unusual surge of passion and start serially dating (swiping right, whatever you want to say). Should you introduce every new partner to your kids?
No, say experts at Psychology Today. They offer six suggestions:
- Keep your kids’ needs first, even ahead of that itch in your loins
- Wait until children are ready to meet a new partner
- Bring them together gradually, in ever-increasing time periods
- The first meeting should be brief and in a neutral place
- Let your ex-spouse your plans know ahead of time
- When introducing children to a new partner, wait until the relationship is strong and has lasted 9-12 months
That last bullet point may be a relationship killer for many Virginia men. Make sure your relationship with the new partner is strong, trustworthy, and solid before drawing your kids into the picture.
You do not need to keep a relationship a secret from your kids, but you do not need to introduce them to a weekend fling or two-week romantic partner, either. You could talk about your new partner with your kids but also let them know the time is not right to meet. Because your kids may know you are seeing someone they have yet to meet, your new partner remains a distant abstraction until they (and your partner) are ready to make it a reality. Everyone can feel comfortable. Everyone can relax.
Your Kids WILL Have Emotions
Give your kids plenty of slack in their reactions. Writers at Our Family Wizard tell us that little kids may be very flexible, quickly adapting to a new person in their family life. Older kids may harbor a lot of resentment about the “replacement.”
Your kids are allowed to feel what they feel. They have to learn to express emotions in healthy, nonthreatening ways. You can validate that and still provide a solid life lesson: “be angry at me, be sad about our family, but you cannot be rude or mean.”
DivorceMag reminds adults that kids will view your new partner as a rival. Provide reassurance that the love bond between you and your kids can never be broken, not by anybody.
Think back to times you dealt with unfamiliar surroundings, smells, or foods. Your kids are faced with that as soon as a new partner is presented to them. The new adult does not look like your ex-spouse, or have the same fragrance, or do the same things.
Your new partner may not make Mickey Mouse pancakes and is thus subhuman in your kids’ eyes, at first. But trust takes time. Allow your kids to discover, at their own pace, your new partner’s flawless macaroni and cheese, for example.
The Firm For Men is Here to Help
The same lawyers who shepherded you through separation, property settlement, and divorce can also help in post-divorce life. Do not be afraid to bring questions to your family law attorney regarding modifications for child custody, visitation, or child support. Ask for advice on blending families, or how life changes with a new partner.
The Firm For Men is here, in Virginia Beach, ready to answer your questions about Virginia family law. Whether you are thinking of separating and divorcing, or living life post-divorce, we can help. Contact us today or call our office at (757) 383-9184.