We have often in these columns playfully used innuendo, double entendres and (rarely) outright sophomoric humor (okay, often) to discuss the strong connections between sexuality and Virginia divorce. This is because marriage is intimate, physical, emotional, and fragile. Many Virginia marriages end in divorce and sometimes the underlying reasons were masked because nobody wanted to talk about them. We talk about them, and today we are talking about sexual dysfunction — when things go awry in the bedroom (or kitchen/living room floor).
A Husband’s Sexual Dysfunction
You may be struggling to maintain intimacy in your marriage due to medical or psychological issues, such as erectile dysfunction (ED), stress, low testosterone, age-related problems, or some other challenge.
These problems alone are not drivers of divorce unless you let them by deliberately withdrawing and seeking divorce as a solution. Before leaping to separation and divorce, most Virginia couples can benefit from marriage counseling, various types of therapy, and learning to reconnect.
Intimacy, unfortunately in American society, often is assumed to only mean penetrative sex. Intimacy is far more than that, and many relationships can be rebuilt by re-learning the many types of intimacy:
- Soothing, sensual whispers
- Gentle touches
- Pillow talk
- Spontaneous dates
- Sharing experiences
- Hugging
- Exchanging love notes
- Romantic kissing
- Welcome surprises
- Supportive behavior
Reconnecting with a spouse through basic intimacy can lead to physically reconnecting, despite the obstacles:
- Work
- Children
- Schedules
- Responsibilities
- Worries
All couples face obstacles to intimacy, but only couples unwilling to work at marriage will let those obstacles become detours leading to divorce.
A Wife’s Sexual Dysfunction
Women are no less complex creatures than men, with the same needs, desires and frailties as men. Compound this with the enormous task of carrying a child and giving birth, and women suffer from sexual dysfunction equal to men.
A common issue, vaginismus (a painful penetration disorder), can lead to complete loss of trust and intimacy in a Virginia marriage. Without counseling, frank talk and a willingness between both partners, women’s sexual dysfunction can lead to the all-too-common no-fault divorce proceedings.
Unusual Sexual Issues in Marriage
Beyond sexual dysfunction related to common medical issues, daily stresses, and the exhaustion of raising children, we find a few unusual outliers: issues that may cause both men and women to turn to divorce as (as we lawyers would say) a “constructive leaving.” Your psyche and sexuality may be healthier after a divorce than during a troubled marriage. Perhaps either of you has issues that make your sexual compatibility beyond redemption:
- Realizing during the marriage that either of you is homosexual
- Coming to find that complete abstinence is more appealing than the marital “duty,” as it was once described, of sex
- Unveiling or growing into a fetish that the spouse simply cannot tolerate — adult babies; disturbing fantasies of rape, incest, or necrophilia; retifism (shoes), coprophilia (#2 bathroom stuff), or urolagnia (#1 bathroom stuff)
Keep in mind, guys, that these fetishes and desires are not unique to men. You could be the unknowing husband who stumbles upon your wife being turned on by emesis (emetophilia … yes, there’s such thing as a puke fetish) after you endured a rough bout of the flu.
Unlike Virginia’s fault grounds for divorce spelled out in Code of Virginia § 20-91 (adultery; sodomy; buggery; felony conviction; threats of violence; abandonment; we’ve been over this ground before), uncontested Virginia divorce does not require either party to accuse the other in open court, revealing issues you both would rather not discuss. Perhaps, despite your wife’s newfound secret desire to make love to mannequins (agalmatophilia), you still love her but cannot live with her. You want to protect her, not shame her; an uncontested divorce (no-fault) is the easiest way forward.
Are You Better Off Divorced?
If the sexual dysfunction that separates you two points toward divorce, you are both likely better off proceeding quickly so that you can both be happy. That path is through a separation (note the date) followed by a property settlement agreement. Work with your attorney; within a year (with children) or six months (without children) you two can be legally divorced in Virginia.
Military Servicemembers & Sexual Dysfunction
Sadly, an increasing area of sexual dysfunction in marriages stems from military personnel traumatically returning from ongoing campaigns in Iran, Syria, and Afghanistan. For the layman, we can offer no better insight into adaptive sexuality than Mary Roach’s book, Grunt, which honestly assesses the trauma of war and its effect on sexuality in couples (among other issues).
As one of Roach’s interview subjects points out, the human mind and body are capable of amazing adaptability, and the VA stands ready with resources such as the Walter Reed Sexual Health and Intimacy Workshops. To be blunt, loss of genitalia, limbs or hands need not be a cause for divorce in a marriage, and sexual dysfunction lodges largely in the mind.
When you call The Firm For Men at 757-383-9184, we do not judge you. We listen, we help, and we fight to protect your rights in a Virginia divorce. Whatever the issues, we can provide legal counsel, suggest outside resources, and develop a winning strategy. Please contact us today to learn how we can get the outcome you desire. We proudly serve all of Hampton Roads, including Virginia Beach, Chesapeake, Norfolk, Portsmouth, Suffolk, Hampton, and Newport News. Call today!
