Virginia Woman Leaves Toddler in Car; a headline like that can make a divorced father sick to his stomach. Worse, the woman is alleged to have left her two-year-old kid in the car so she could hang out in a bar. If you were the child’s father, how would you deal with that? Would you move heaven and earth to regain full custody of your kids?

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First Right of Refusal

Nobody wants to be cast as the cardboard villain in a story. You as your kids’ Dad do not want to say to anybody, “I don’t want unscheduled visits from my kids,” or “I don’t want more time with them to just let my ex coast through her responsibilities.”

That is why almost all child custody and parenting time portions of separation agreements include first right of refusal. That is the mechanism by which you, the kids’ Dad, get the first opportunity to turn down unexpected visits or emergency care.

Suppose your ex realizes she has to be out of town on Thursday and Friday. You are supposed to get the kids for parenting time Saturday and Sunday. She asks you if you would like the kids for two additional days. You can either say yes, or you can be the first to refuse the invitation. She then turns to the kids’ grandparents or some other emergency childcare support.

First right of refusal is your choice, not your obligation. If you also will be away Thursday and Friday, you can in good conscience decline to take your kids. If, though, you worry she is trying to shirk her parenting duties, you might take them. They’re your kids and you’re their Dad. You are not babysitting, you’re parenting.

Is There a Pattern of Negligence in the Care of Your Children?

But let’s say you are the non-custodial parent, meaning your ex has either full or majority custody. And you keep noticing your ex seems unable to care for your kids. What can you do? Start keeping records. Note the date and time, the conditions the kids are in, and any excuses your ex offers for their neglect, unhappiness, or lack of parental care.

The first person to talk to about the situation is your ex. She may not notice that her parenting skills have slipped, the kids are grumpy, or she repeatedly forgets to pack a daily medication, for example. Remember, your divorce turned her into a single parent for all the time the kids are with her. Being a single parent is exhausting.

You two could informally agree to increase your time with the children, to give her a brief respite. The separation agreement you both signed will have in it the provisions for child custody.

But is an informal agreement the best path forward for you, for your kids, or for your ex?

No.

How About an Informal Agreement? A Hand Shake?

Informal agreements have no legal weight when measured against a written, court-approved document such as a property settlement agreement or a custody consent order. An oral understanding between the two parents is meaningless as a defense if your ex decides to exploit the opportunity you have given her.

She could claim that you unilaterally kept the kids beyond the agreed-upon parenting time schedule. You would have no easy way to disprove her. She could claim you ignored her, shut her out, or even attempted to kidnap your own children.

You could go quickly from “doing a favor” to “being a fugitive.” You can think your ex is a fine upstanding person, but without a legally binding agreement, casual changes to the child visitation schedule are dangerous to you.

Protect yourself. If you and your ex want to modify your child custody agreement post-divorce, return to your lawyers.

Modifying Child Custody

Just about everything in a property settlement agreement can be modified, through the proper legal channels. Modifications for child support and spousal support are almost always based on changes in the two parties’ financial circumstances. Modifications to child custody come about as children grow and reach adulthood.

Modifications to parenting time schedules are also possible, but you need to return to your divorce attorney to execute them.

When your spouse is overwhelmed by the kids, two possible outcomes are ahead for you:

  • You want to take the children and will do so, gladly
  • You do not want her to constantly turn to you for relief from the children when she has primary custody

In either case, your divorce lawyer is in the best possible position to craft a solution. Your children deserve the strongest support you both can provide, so recognizing your ex’s deficiencies is crucial.

In the first instance, if you want a larger share of custody or want longer blocks of time with the kids, your ex will probably be agreeable to that. The natural corollary to that, though, is a decrease in your child support payments (since your time with them has increased and hers has decreased). She may try to push back against that.

In the second instance, you and your attorney could ask for a modification that requires parenting classes for your ex, family therapy sessions for your ex and your children, or some other kind of professional intervention.

While you keep accurate records of your concerns about your ex’s parenting, get in touch with your attorney and pursue proper, legal ways to protect them. Whatever your questions or concerns about life after divorce, you have allies at The Firm For Men. Contact us today with your child custody issues, questions about modifying separation agreements, or anything related to family law in Virginia. We may also be reached at (757) 383-9184.