Virginia’s parents want to know about authoritative parenting. The state was among 30 whose parents searched “authoritative parenting” more than any other parenting style, says Google. Authoritative parenting sets limits on kids. After Virginia divorce, those limits can include boundaries around your romantic relationships.
Jump to a Section
- Authoritative Parenting
- Authoritative Co-Parenting
- Post-divorce Romance
- Discussing with Your New Partner
- Kids, Meet My Special Friend
Authoritative Parenting
The American Psychological Association (APA) defines three different ways adults parent:
- Authoritative
- Permissive
- Uninvolved
The APA defines authoritative parenting like this:
In this parenting style, the parents are nurturing, responsive, and supportive, yet set firm limits for their children. They attempt to control children’s behavior by explaining rules, discussing, and reasoning. They listen to a child’s viewpoint but don’t always accept it.
To Virginia parents’ credit, kids raised by authoritative parents tend to be “friendly, energetic, cheerful, self-reliant, self-controlled, curious, cooperative and achievement-oriented.” That sounds like a recipe for success, especially when contrasted with the other two methods:
- Permissive parenting yields kids who are “impulsive, rebellious, aimless, domineering, aggressive and low in self-reliance, self-control and achievement,” according to the APA
- Uninvolved parents get kids who have “have low self-esteem and little self-confidence”
Authoritative Co-Parenting
After divorce, co-parenting lends itself to the authoritative method of parenting. Psych Central tells us co-parenting means,
Being like-it-or-not colleagues in the work of raising kids. When you’re separated or divorced, you parent together even though the two of you may be living apart or having romantic relationships with others.
The best parent partner method, says Psych Central, is a “cooperative, mutually respectful, communicative style.” You can work together after divorce as a team to provide the best nurturing environment for your kids. The mentality is, “We may not get along, but we can get along enough to raise great kids.”
If you and your former spouse cannot get along at all, you can practice parallel parenting. Parallel parenting allows each parent to detach from the ex-spouse, spend time with and rear the children individually, and reduce harmful effects on the kids. The mentality is, “You parent the way you want, and I’ll parent the right way.”
Post-divorce Romance
We all want and need to be loved. You as a Virginia man have a right to a healthy, adult relationship with someone who makes you feel valued, special, and lovable. Still, you may have to spend a little time and effort to get the balance just right, between co-parenting your kids after divorce and seeing that special someone.
Begin by assessing your co-parenting position, say experts at Onward:
- How much time has passed from divorce to your nascent romance? Have your kids had time to adjust to dealing with divorced parents, two households, and new routines, or are you leaping into a new romance while their heads are still reeling?
- Communication — Are you and your former spouse communicating frequently, in a friendly way, about co-parenting and other matters? Can your ex handle you moving on romantically?
- Do a self-checkup from the neck up — Can you handle normal reactions from the kids and your former spouse to the news that you are romantically involved? Are you in a good mental space or are you just rebounding?
Discussing with Your New Partner
Assuming you have learned from your marriage, you no doubt are treating your new romantic partner as a three-dimensional person. The new love interest cannot be a two-dimensional second act or a side-note in your story. Your new partner deserves to be treated with respect:
- Be honest with your new love about your situation, including your co-parenting schedule, the number of kids you have, and the newness of your divorce
- Make plain that your kids outrank everything else in your life but that your new partner is also a priority
- Provide details on your parenting time schedule so your new romance knows when and where to fit in
- Communicate clearly and often about the right time for kids to meet your new love interest; nobody should be surprised!
- Plan the meeting and be flexible; your new romantic partner might get cold feet about meeting your kids
The most important idea, though, is to respect all sides by only considering introductions if you are deeply serious about your new lover. That means you may need to go through a few awkward dates with a few people before you begin seeing only one person exclusively. And even then, your new love interest might not be comfortable taking on the immense responsibility of children.
Kids, Meet My Special Friend
We suggest the first meeting between kids and your new romance meet these criteria:
- The meeting should be low key — Consider using one of the kids’ existing activities for that first encounter, but choose something that allows you all to stay together without a lot of stress or distraction (bowling, a movie, a picnic, a petting zoo; not an amusement park with lines and noise)
- Introduce your new partner as a friend — Make clear to your partner that romantic gestures between adults are not part of that first meeting (no kissing, hugs, inside jokes, or innuendo)
- Make introductions and then find a way to step aside — Let your new partner have a light, brief conversation with your kids with you elsewhere, but keep your absence short
- Allow your new romantic interest to leave first — Make sure to have alone time with your kids afterwards, so they can share their feelings and you can all continue the outing as usual
In forging a new adult relationship after divorce, you cannot leave behind your responsibilities as a Virginia Dad. Yet you can find a way to bring the two worlds together, and a great ally in that effort can be your family law attorney who guided you through separation and divorce.
At The Firm For Men, we respect your entire life — financial, emotional, parental, and romantic — by providing the best family law counsel we can. Contact us today or telephone us at (757) 383-9184. We specialize in assisting Virginia’s men with all phases of separation, divorce, and postdivorce life.