Contested divorces make headlines in Hollywood. Unremarkable, unexciting uncontested divorces are far more common, less costly, easier, and faster, but do not grip us the way marital splits do from “Married At First Sight.” But like Hollywood’s pampered stars and the fragile casts of reality shows, spouses in contested divorces may just be really bad at talking things out and in turn, unable to achieve a fast and easy divorce.

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Contested vs. Uncontested Divorce

A contested divorce in Virginia is a divorce that requires the judge and court to intervene because the couple themselves cannot resolve their differences. They may disagree on child custody, child support, spousal support, property division, or other aspects of breaking all the connections two people forged over the years.

In a contested divorce, two grown adults joined in marriage find themselves needing a sort of super-adult to supervise them, to guide them, and to compel them to accept sometimes unpleasant consequences of their choices. A judge will listen to both sides of a contested divorce and then determine the best legal and equitable way to resolve any knotty disagreements.

Certainly, choosing this direction will not make divorce fast and easy. As a matter of fact, contested divorce is generally the lengthiest, most expensive way to sunder the bonds of matrimony. It involves several court appearances, months and possibly years of uncertainty, the costly hourly work of two law firms (sometimes one for each spouse), and countless court filings.

How to Get a Faster, Easier Divorce

A step back from a contested divorce could be a separation agreement, which can outline all that you two do agree on (with good communication) and reserve decisions on unresolved issues. Let’s say you both agree you will provide spousal support for a limited time, but no matter how much you talk, you cannot agree on child support. The separation agreement can stipulate one issue and reserve the other for a Virginia Circuit Court judge to settle.

After all, if you and your spouse are constantly battling over the divorce by repeating the same sad, bad behaviors that led to your split, the divorce details may not be the problem. Perhaps you two are stuck in a negative feedback loop, unable to clearly articulate and communicate your needs and wants. That’s where a skilled family law attorney comes in – we’re sometimes better able to articulate your desires as well as translate hers, making negotiating out of court a real possibility for you and your spouse.

Are You Just Bad Communicators?

Couples fall into routines, using shorthand to convey concerns and emotions. They repeat patterns of behavior for good and for bad. Many couples come to rely on these shortcuts to increase efficiency:

  • You: “Front door?”
  • Spouse: “Locked.”

Eleventy-seven years ago, she or he left the front door wide open as they drove off for an afternoon. So they created a routine. And it works.

But sometimes the routines are self-destructive and spouse-destructive:

  • You: “You always do this!”
  • Spouse: “You never let me do anything else!”

Couples who descend to “always” and “never” — what PsychCentral calls all-or-nothing thinking—slip from those extremes to others: black/white, right/wrong, and win/lose. If that is the pattern in the “discussions” between you and your spouse, a contested divorce is almost inevitable, because your communication skills are deficient.

Consider child custody. Suppose you want to have your children with you for the Virginia Beach Christmas Market (the 42nd annual one is Black Friday, November 24-26 this year). For 2023, Thanksgiving is November 23, and your spouse wants the kids all day and Black Friday, too!

If you suffer from that always/never, right/wrong, win/lose mindset, you and your spouse will drive yourselves to a messy, expensive, contested divorce instead of clearly communicating your wishes:

  • You: “My favorite kids’ activity always falls on Black Friday. Can you take the kids from the Wednesday before Thanksgiving — it’s a school holiday — through mid-morning Friday, and then I can have them for the two-and-a-half days of the Christmas Market?”
  • Spouse: “That might work. What time does the Market start on Black Friday?”
  • You: “Ten a.m.”
  • Spouse: Suppose I bring them to you at 11 a.m., but I can drop them off at the Market, so you don’t have to take extra time driving or parking with them.”
  • You: “That works.”
  • Spouse: “That works.”

The internet and marital counselors are rich resources for learning to improve communication. Consider the 15 signs your marriage communications may be faulty, or the 10 warning signs of bad communications, or just these eight signs.

Before you dive deep into the murky waters of contested divorce, emptying your wallet and stripping yourself of many measures of dignity, consider working on communication.

Let’s Seek Solutions, Not Contests

Contested divorce has embedded in it the idea of a contest, meaning a disagreement or struggle. But the original meaning of “contest” comes from the legal profession’s favorite language, Latin:

  • Contestari litem, to call to witness, or to bring a [legal] action

Though contested divorce can be lucrative for the lawyers involved (long hours preparing for court; high costs of court time before a Virginia judge; filings, motions, depositions, pleadings, and on and on and on), most Virginia family law attorneys would rather complete several uncontested divorces in the time a single contested divorce could take. Uncontested divorce in Virginia is usually more harmonious, calmer, and easier for all involved.

Your attorney may seek a solution, rather than a confrontation. Solutions can include marriage counseling, having your attorney help with negotiations (either with your spouse or with your spouse’s attorney), or arbitration. Something as basic as a conference with you, your spouse, and the two attorneys often improves communication.

Practice your communication skills with us! Contact The Firm For Men today or telephone our Virginia Beach offices at (757) 383-9184. We assist Virginia’s men with all aspects of family law, including uncontested and contested divorce, matters involving your kids, and much more.