Steven Spielberg’s epic 2012 film, “Lincoln,” was one of many movies filmed in the Commonwealth. While the 2022 smash, “Everything Everywhere All at Once” was filmed on the country’s opposite coast, any man going through a Virginia divorce knows the feelings stirred up in the chaotic atmosphere of that movie. But how can you set your priorities through separation and divorce?

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Recognize the Challenge

Some men put on a brave face and soldier on through separation and divorce. Some men acknowledge the difficulty of such a life-changing moment. Begin by admitting that separating from a spouse and then divorcing your spouse can be stressful. Sure, it might be a relief to you, but you have added a huge task to your already full agenda for every day for the next year, at least.

The Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale lists 43 stressful events people often face, for good and for bad. These include things like marriage, becoming a parent, outstanding personal achievement, job loss, retirement, illness, and divorce.

The lowest-scoring event (least stressful) is a minor law violation at 11 points. The highest-rated (most stressful) event is “Death of a Spouse” scoring 100 points. Divorce comes in at 73 points.

You go through the list of all 43 items, checking off all that apply to you. Then you add up your score. Getting under 150 points means you enjoy a low amount of stress; a score of 150 to 299 means moderate stress. Scoring 300 or more points? You are extremely stressed.

You can take a self-assessment online, courtesy of MindTools. The Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale is a list. Lists can be helpful organizing tools. With something as complicated and protracted as a divorce, lists can be essential to your mental, physical, spiritual, and financial wellbeing.

Establishing Your Priorities

Separating and divorcing in Virginia is less like changing horses midstream and more like rebuilding your raft as you careen downriver toward a huge waterfall.

You have to keep up with all the regular stressors of daily living:

  • Doing well at your job, commuting, getting promoted
  • Tending to your children and their education
  • Maintaining a house and yard
  • Overseeing personal finances, including retirement funds
  • Cooking, cleaning, feeding kids, tending to pets
  • Personal hygiene and fitness

Add to that all the aspects of separation and divorce:

  • Finding an excellent family law attorney
  • Assembling documents
  • Mapping out desired outcomes
  • Planning the property settlement agreement
  • Communicating with your almost-ex-spouse and any children you two may have
  • Choosing the kind of life you wish to enjoy after divorce

You have to determine the priorities. This involves goal setting, but in four phases:

  • What does your ideal separation and divorce look like?
  • What do you want to achieve during the separation period and divorce?
  • What is most important for your heart and soul in navigating the legal issues?
  • What will fulfill you after the Circuit Court judge issues a final divorce decree?

For each phase of the process, you have choices to make, shaped by your priorities before, during, and after the divorce.

What To Do Before Separation

If you already know your marriage is troubled, you have to step back and look objectively at solutions. You can try couples counseling, realigning your finances, taking separate vacations, or anything else in modern psychology’s bag of tricks.

But you also need to objectively plan for a time apart — either six months (with no kids) or a year (with kids) during which you:

  • Must have a place to live
  • Need a steady income
  • Should continue to see your children or exiting spouse

You could be the first to broach separation, or you could be reacting to a move by your spouse. Either way, a family law attorney can be helpful when you are merely in the planning stages of separation.

What To Do During Separation and Divorce

Unless you reconcile your differences, a Virginia separation is the groundwork for a divorce. You and your attorney can set your priorities for the divorce itself, given these choices:

What will be most satisfying to your soul, to your inner well-being? Do you want to use the divorce to rake your spouse over coals for past indiscretions, arguments, or conflicts? Or would you be more at peace by pursuing an uncontested, no-fault divorce?

While you may not be the complainant in the divorce (the one instigating it), you do have choices in reacting to a spouse who files for divorce against you.

Again, a good divorce lawyer can help you choose the right kind of divorce to address your issues.

What To Do After Divorce

What is most important to you, once the Virginia divorce is finally settled by final decree? How do you see yourself living a few years from now? What kind of relationships do you want with your ex, your own kids from the marriage, and your ex’s family?

As precious as your time is during the lengthy divorce process, you must take time to do some soul-searching and ponder larger questions. You have to think about the life you want for yourself, the relationships you want to have with your children, and how you will deal with inevitable contact with your ex.

Consider these questions:

  • Will you try to divorce amicably?
  • Will you use a DIY approach or go through attorneys to navigate the Virginia court system?
  • How do you want to handle child custody?
  • Who should get the marital home and who should move out?
  • Is spousal support part of your plan?
  • How will you handle life insurance, a mortgage or rent, health insurance, and retirement accounts?
  • Do you plan to have frequent, close contact with each other after the divorce, or will you be steering clear of each other?

By choosing an experienced divorce lawyer who has trod this ground many times, you get a head start on getting on with a peaceful, financially secure life after divorce.

Make a To-Do List!

A list of To-Do items for your separation and divorce can be really handy. But you may need more than one list. Consider an aspirational priority list:

  • Do I want to change careers?
  • What messages do I need to consciously convey to my kids?
  • What will make me feel fulfilled?
  • Do I want to move away from Virginia?
  • What interests or hobbies would I like to take up?
  • What traits must my next partner have that my ex does not?

Set your emotional and mental priorities for what you want your future life to look like. By making an aspirational list, you have a clear prize in mind, so the momentary obstacles that always crop up in separation and divorce will seem smaller.

The folks at Forbes recommend using a divorce as a natural pivot point to change careers, reestablish your connections with existing relationships, and reinvent yourself.

Rather than look on divorce as a low point, you can view your Virginia divorce as a second chance to make something of yourself.

The aspirational checklist drives the more practical list. Suppose you do want to remain in the fine state of Virginia but pursue a different career. You want to be available to your children more and worry less about money. Those aspirations become touch-points for a new To-Do list, say experts at Investopedia:

While using the list to organize your divorce tasks, you can also be building a better future:

  • Research great local jobs that need your skill-set
  • Network with all your current connections to see what opportunities exist
  • Work with your attorney to protect your finances so you can afford to be with your children (visitation or parenting time), afford a place of your own, or buy your ex out of the marital home

Keeping Your Head Straight

In the movie “Everything Everywhere All at Once,” the main character travels through many multiverse realities, yet she keeps her head. She knows her goal throughout the movie. Sure, she has to tackle the IRS and fight weird beings, but her overall ambitions are to be kind and to heal her family.

You have to keep your head and make sure you see your priorities throughout your separation and divorce. That means staying focused on your goal, despite obstacles:

  • Your spouse may continue to drive you bananas
  • You may be sexually frustrated
  • Your kids may react with resentment or open hostility

Your family law attorney is your greatest ally in prioritizing your separation and divorce. At The Firm For Men, we have vast experience in handling all kinds of family law. We can help you set your goals, adhere to your priorities, and have a happy, successful life after divorce. Contact us today or telephone us at (757) 383-9184.