Some decisions are marvelous and perfect, like opting to return to Mount Vernon for the Spring Wine Festival & Sunset Tour every year. Some decisions are regrettable, like a misspelled tattoo, or marrying the wrong woman. Tattoos can be removed; a bad marriage can be ended through divorce. If she is pregnant, though, you pause and wonder: should I, could I, can I do this?

Is It Legal to Divorce a Pregnant Woman?

It is perfectly legal in Virginia to divorce a pregnant woman. You already know you will have lost the sympathy card to her, but which is more important to you: appearing to be a “good guy” in the eyes of the court, or ending an unhappy marriage?

If you think you can keep your head down and endure, that dog won’t hunt. Eventually, for both of you, your emotions will work against the marriage. You can divorce your pregnant wife, and you may both agree that is for the best. The court will make its own decisions about what is best for the child she is carrying. Should you divorce her? And do you have the intestinal fortitude (guts) to do it?

Should You Divorce When You’re Expecting?

If you are both unhappy, and you both regret your decision to marry, staying together for the sake of a child is a terrible idea. Many spiritual advisers and marriage counselors will tell you, mutual love between parents is the greatest gift you can give your children. Anything less will not only shadow your two lives, it will shape your children’s views of relationships for their entire lives, too.

You would not walk around with a tack in your foot, enduring the pain and suffering because you worry about the effect on your children of the sight of blood if you remove it. If your wife is the type who could start an argument in an empty house, you need to move on. The temporary discomfort and sorrow your children feel from you two divorcing is nothing compared to the lifetime of hurt caused by forcing two people to stay together when they cannot stand each other.

Could You Even Go Through With It?

Depending on how far along your wife’s pregnancy is, divorcing her will no doubt make you feel lower than a snake’s belly in a wagon rut. The sight of a pregnant woman in court tends to work for her and against you, the divorcing husband and dad-to-be, even if your wife is meaner than a wet panther when you two are alone. How do you defend against her natural advantage?

Document everything she does and says. She hit you? Photograph the bruises, file the police report, and record the date. She ran through your savings? Get bank statements. Make your own notes about her doctor visits, steps she is taking to care for the developing baby, and her attitude toward the child.

Some women will use pregnancy as a weapon to keep their husbands by their side, harsh as that sounds. If you suspect that she may have planned the pregnancy as a strategy to hold you to her, you may have a thumping gizzard where your heart should be, but you have one other nagging question that must be answered …

Is The Child Yours?

She is pregnant, but the bonds of marriage can be flexible, for some people. You need to know definitively that the child your spouse is carrying is, in fact, yours. This means a paternity test. The Code of Virginia, sections 20-49.1 through 20-49.10, provides several ways to determine fatherhood:

  • You volunteer the information that you are the father
  • A paternity test that is at least 98 percent accurate
  • A preponderance of evidence, including cohabitation, intercourse, claiming the child on government documents (like tax forms), allowing the child to use the father’s surname, and medical or anthropological evidence

If you have reason to suspect the child is not yours, speak with your attorney about getting the court to compel a paternity test to rule you out. This will also aid your divorce, as it provides sure evidence that she was at fault and gave you grounds for the divorce.

Custody, Visitation and Support

If the child is yours, you can and should pay for child support. You and your attorney can work out details with your wife’s attorney, but the medical bills around delivering a baby and postpartum care are substantial, even with insurance. Expect the court to compel you to pay as much as you can.

You may also be ordered to pay spousal support, and to arrange legal and physical custody. Visitation is yet another issue to resolve in writing before the divorce is final.

Though Virginia courts are legally required to be gender neutral regarding custody, newborns do need their mothers. The Code of Virginia always defers to the “best interests of the child,” and the mother-child bond is vital in the first year. You will likely not be granted sole physical custody of the baby, but you can ask for and get extensive visitation if you wish.

If you are the type who squeezes a quarter so tight the eagle screams, prepare yourself. The divorce, spousal support, and child support will take a lot of your money. The goal is to keep both the new mother and your baby living comfortably, as though you were still with them. Your personal comfort, sadly, is secondary to the needs of the new mom and child.

At The Firm for Men, we have experience with even the toughest situations. If thinking about divorce leaves you as lost as last year’s Easter egg, call our offices at (757) 383-9184 to set up an appointment with one of our knowledgeable, helpful attorneys. We protect the rights of men all over Hampton Roads, including Virginia Beach, Chesapeake, Norfolk, and beyond!

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