Pixar’s Finding Nemo came out in 2003 and we will bet that 14 years later you did not notice it recreates Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s “Five Stages of Grief” hypothesis. The movie adds support to the running theme of Pixar films: they are all little psychological test cases. The emotional buffet of Inside Out, Up, Brave and others has been well explored elsewhere1, but the five stages of grief (whether from losing your Ocellaris clownfish or from ending a marriage) are universal and stressful.

Kübler-Ross and the Fab Five

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross developed the five stages of grief as a theoretical framework to handle any traumatic event. A divorce is a death, of sorts, as is losing your clownfish kid to Australian aquarium rustlers. The five stages of grief are are:

  1. Denial
  2. Anger
  3. Bargaining
  4. Depression
  5. Acceptance

Kübler-Ross presented a theory, not a dictum. Her goal was to help people cope with loss by moving from one emotion to the next until you emerge with a somewhat intact psyche after accepting the loss.

First Things First, Divorce is a Loss

You may be elated to be rid of a woman who harried and harangued you, but you must still acknowledge the death of a marriage, of future plans and a path into old age with a companion at your side. Whether you instigated your Virginia divorce or had it thrust upon you, you need to acknowledge your loss and be prepared for the five stages most people pass through on their way to healing.

The First Stage: Denial

Divorce Magazine helpfully clarifies that denial is the mind’s way of becoming hardened to the pain to follow. If your wife presents you with Virginia divorce papers, you may try first to dismiss them out of hand, as something that cannot be happening (or as a warning sign from her, though she is not serious about following through).

Getting past denial really means letting it happen, say experts at Grief.com. Do not rush the process, since you are absorbing what you can at a pace your mind and body can accept. You need to acknowledge, metacognitively, that you are in denial and will soon be awash in emotions that will bubble up to the surface, often in surprising ways.

The Second Stage: Anger

Of all the stages, this is the most anti-social, because you will use displaced anger, says LiveStrong, to lash out at your children, your divorce lawyer, total strangers, and (most regrettably) the judge. Recognize when you feel your fuse cut short, when you feel yourself unable to cope with any little wrinkle without boiling over.

To work through this stage, you need to admit you are angry at your almost-ex-wife (or ex-wife) and, possibly, yourself. You shoulder some responsibility, and accepting that not only humbles you, it lowers your boiling point.

The Third Stage: Bargaining

Certified divorce coach Cathy Meyer reminds us that bargainers hope to walk back reality from its current mess (in divorce or after) to a time when the marriage is intact. If your ex-wife divorced you, you promise to change everything in your life to restore what you had, so she will return. If you started divorce proceedings, you will also bargain, second-guessing yourself to see if you can reclaim the marriage by eliciting promises from her that she will change this or that.

How to cope? You control nothing of your spouse, says Meyer. You cannot control her thoughts, feelings, desires or actions. You can only control yourself, and you need to do a good job of it to get on to the next stage.

The Fourth Stage: Depression

Divorce Magazine pegs this stage as the hardest to slog through. You lose your appetite; you cannot sleep; you stop caring about personal hygiene. Trying to maintain a career while going through this stage is challenging.

If she thrust this Virginia divorce on you, you will be overwhelmingly sad at this stage. If you started proceedings, you will still feel sad, regretting the waste of time and mourning the possible future you could have had.

Coping means waiting. Distract yourself, make lists to keep yourself presentable and moving (get to bed even if you just lie there, get out of bed on time, and get to work on time). The magazine emphasizes finding someone to talk to, to prevent retreating into a shell from which you never emerge.

The Fifth Stage: Acceptance

Both Grief.com and LiveStrong emphasize that “acceptance” does not mean you somehow “approve” of the divorce. If you have a divorce thrust upon you, your acceptance of it is not an admission of defeat. You are acknowledging reality, which you can still resent, but you know your marriage is over.

Get through this stage fastest by showing gratitude for moments large and small, like friends who listened, a religious leader who counseled, or an attorney who did not react when you cursed and cried and carried on. Be grateful for your support circle and get on with really living your life.

If you are having trouble coping with your divorce, please call 757-383-9184 to reach The Firm For Men, or contact us online. We can help with planning a divorce, completing one, and rebuilding your life after divorce. We’re centrally located in Virginia Beach and proudly serve all of Hampton Roads, including Norfolk, Chesapeake, Suffolk, Portsmouth, and beyond.

1. http://https/brightside.me/inspiration-psychology/12-pixar-animated-films-that-have-a-deep-psychological-meaning-409510/

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