Running away from home in Virginia is two things: a rite of passage for children and a perfectly legal act. As the City of Virginia Beach explains on their Runaway Children web page, the police do not investigate a runaway teen as a criminal. That may be small comfort when your teenager shows up at your doorstep when you are not the custodial parent.

Notify Everybody

Take your teenager into your home and into your loving arms. Then notify at least these two parties immediately:

  • Your ex-spouse or child’s mother
  • Your own local law enforcement (not as an emergency call unless your child shows signs of distress)

If your teen arrives in the wee hours of the night, you can wait until office hours to notify your family law attorney.

While police do not consider your teen a criminal, they will complete a runaway report. In assessing your child, law enforcement officers look for signs of something more than an impulsive teen:

If your ex has already contacted the police, information about your child may be entered into a nationwide computerized information system (NCIC). The local police department may also complete a Missing Persons report.

Contrary to television tropes, police take missing children very seriously from the moment a parent or guardian makes contact. No police department waits 24 hours to “see what will happen.”

Are You Being Accused of Luring Your Child?

Do nothing to suggest you lured your own child away from the custodial parent. Parental kidnapping is a serious matter.

As the crisis is unfolding, instead of arguing with your ex over your child’s motives, focus on providing a safe, protective environment for your child.

When the situation has calmed, ask your teen unthreatening questions to uncover motive. Make notes to share with law enforcement and your ex. The less you hide from others, the stronger your position with them and with your runaway teen.

With logic and sequential reasoning not yet firmly rooted, teens operate by impulse:

  • The rational part of the teen brain is not fully developed until age 25
  • Under Virginia Code § 16.1-246, a child may not be taken into custody—from outside law enforcement or mental health professionals—unless there is a clear and substantial danger to the child’s life or health
  • As one of the child’s legal guardians, you are not required to “prove” anything to anyone about your fitness to safeguard your own child, though law enforcement can ask you for identification as part of their runaway child investigation
  • Keep lines of communication open between you and your ex
  • Do not take personally any of your child’s mother’s emotionally charged words (she probably does not mean any of it; she is worried about her baby)

Your Teen Must be Supervised at All Times

Contacting your ex and police about the runaway serves several purposes. It reassures the child’s mother, but it also provides a record that the child was not in her care for a given time. You take responsibility to supervise the teen, contrary to an agreed-upon visitation schedule.

You assume responsibility to feed, clothe, shelter, and care for your teen. Note the start and end dates and times of your teen’s unscheduled time with you.

You may have shared custody. You probably have a bedroom for your teen in your new place. That is all well and good when your teen moves between you and your ex under scheduled supervision. But when your runaway teen turns up at your house unexpectedly, you must document everything and supervise your child at all times.

You may need to take an unpaid day off work to monitor your child. Normally, teenager minors can be left to their own devices, but you need to tighten control over your impulsive, upset, runaway teen. Monitor your teen and, if possible, engage in a conversation that reveals the reasons for running away.

Talking to Your Teen About Running Away

The University of Rochester asks parents to consider these issues in handling runaway children’s impulsive, alarming behavior:

  • Teens process information with the amygdala, the brain’s emotional part, not with adults’ frontal cortex
  • Discussing the consequences of running away can help teens link impulsive thinking with facts; this conversation assists your child’s brain to make those connections; your talk helps wire the brain to make this link (balancing impulses with rational facts) more often
  • Remind teens they are resilient and competent; give examples from recent events (events unrelated to running away from your ex)
  • Because they’re so focused on the moment, teens have trouble seeing that they can improve situations and change their behaviors; remind your runaway of times when all seemed hopeless but perseverance paid off
  • Listen to hear, not to respond; your child may want help solving problems, but your teen probably just wants to vent

Relay the Consequences of Running Away

Virginia law enforcement will not pursue your child as a criminal. That does not limit you or your ex from providing reasonable, safe consequences for the impulsive, disruptive behavior.

Empowering Parents offers some disciplinary tips:

  • Make clear that the time with you is not a vacation and you are not Uncle Dad (a ridiculously generous, totally forgiving non-parental figure)
  • Make clear, too, that your teen will be returning to your ex to honor the legal agreement giving her custody
  • Reinforce that both you and your ex have house rules that will not deviate because of the runaway episode
  • Shift the responsibility back to your teen: what will your child do differently when struggling with irrational, impulsive behavior in the future?
  • Use rehearsal and repetition to drive home the risks and consequences of rash actions like running away

Contact us today at The Firm For Men to discuss your family law concerns. We help Virginia’s men handle all aspects of domestic legal matters, from separation and divorce to child custody and support. You may also telephone our offices at (757) 383-9184.