In 2021 Virginia had a 3.1 percent divorce rate, says the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. A lot of Virginia’s 1.8 million kids have to deal with the life-altering effects of separation and  divorce. A lot of Virginia’s separated and divorced Dads want to continue strong relationships with their kids. But how?

Jump to a Section

Children of Divorce Statistics

Made-up statistics litter the internet and social media. Donn Felker seems to have invented a popular one: 90 percent of your time with your children happens before they turn 18. You can easily find other sites that randomly quantify the number differently.

All that noise is designed to make you feel both guilty and impassioned. You are supposed to feel guilty that you aren’t the perfect Dad and feel impassioned to spend more time with your kids.

As a separating or divorcing Virginia Dad, you do not need more guilt. You need strategies to make the most of the time you have with your kids, right now.

Talking to Children About Divorce

University of Virginia psychology professor Robert Emery has one sage bit of advice for separating and divorced parents: Be a parent so your kid can be a kid. Your kids do not want you to be their best friend, their therapist, or their rich uncle. They want you to be a parent, to be in the moments with them.

That means having “the talk” about separation and divorce. Both parents need to convey to their kids that the children can never be the cause of a separation or the reason for a divorce.

Always put your kids first, Emery advises, as you struggle with your own negative emotions, tight finances, limited time, and painful regret.

As you deal with your divorcing spouse and your own turmoil, you have to keep your eye on the best interests of your children, not yourself. Your time will come later, once you have exited the marriage. Then you can be a little bit selfish. But the serious, age-appropriate talk with your kids is about them, not you.

Here are some tips for that conversation:

  • Communicate frequently and always on your kids’ levels
  • Respect all their feelings (even the nasty, angry, immature, negative ones)
  • Listen to them
  • Give them their own space
  • Do not overshare
  • Stay positive

What Do Kids Need During Divorce?

During separation and divorce, you have to be the best possible parent under the circumstances. We are not saying you must be perfect in every moment. Do the best you can with what you have at the time.

Begin being a strong parent to your kids by consciously acknowledging all your own issues (anger, resentment, fatigue, numbness, whatever). Then force yourself to move beyond that, to set them aside, to get out of your own head.

View the separation and divorce from your kids’ perspective. Consider what your kids want:

  • To keep both parents in their lives, through every way possible (snail mail, email, text, video chat, in person)
  • To ask and answer a lot of questions about the separation, divorce, and why the moon is different shapes — be prepared for the mundane question to be followed by the mind-blowing stab in the heart
  • To never see their two parents fighting, ever
  • Constant reassurance that they are not responsible for adults’ decisions (they did not cause the separation or divorce)
  • To freely love both Dad and Mom without feeling guilty
  • To hear negative things about the other parent
  • To spend time with you

How to Raise Happy Kids After Divorce

The Number One gift a separated or divorced Dad can give his kids: Show up.

Show up to parenting time visits on time (or early). Show up to teacher-parent conferences, school plays, Band Night, Pee Wee football, and soccer games. Show up to everything that means something to your children.

That effort requires you to keep up with what your kids like, don’t like, have outgrown, or are exploring. To know your kids that well, communicate constantly with them. Use these tips to work magic in a relationship with your children:

  • Talk to your children like they are children — Do not share adult problems, issues, or experiences with your children
  • If you have nothing positive to say, say nothing — Never trash-talk the mother of your children
  • Do not recruit them — Your kids are not spies or postmasters for you; do not ask them to inform on their mother or convey messages to her on your behalf
  • Every day, in every way — Find multiple ways to stay in touch with your kids every day, whether on social media, by text, through telephone calls, visits, or sending them letters and postcards
  • Every contact with your kids is about them — Keep your kids your main focus; they are not your therapists
  • Avoid expensive distractions — your kids will be happy just going to a local park, hiking a short trail, building sand castles, or collecting interesting rocks, as long as they do it with you; you do not need every encounter to be pricey or elaborate
  • Include their friends — From camping to movie night to the Virginia Beach boardwalk, your kids have social lives that can include their best buddies and you
  • Their time, their world — As you spend time with your children, avoid distracting yourself with your smartphone, conversations with other adults, or your own interests
  • Listen, listen, listen — Listen not to craft a witty response, but to hear your kids and what they need, what they like, what they love, and be sure to listen to the silences
  • Be trustworthy — Never promise something you cannot do; under promise and over-deliver every time

Call the Family Law Firm for Dads

You can turn to many resources for help with your children during separation and divorce. Despite unreliable and invented nonsense, the internet does offer help for Dads dealing with family issues. Your friends and extended family can help. Religious leaders, therapists, and medical professionals can also help you. Talk to your children’s teachers to make sure everyone is aware of the evolving circumstances.

And turn to experienced professionals in the legal field, too. As skilled family law lawyers, The Firm For Men is ready to assist with all aspects of separation and divorce. Contact us online today, or call us at (757) 383-9184. We, like the Commonwealth, always keep the best interests of Virginia’s children in mind as we work to protect the rights of Virginia’s men.