Some of us of a certain age may recall the As Seen on TV world of K-Tel1. The company that brought you the Veg-O-Matic and the Miracle Grill is still in business, and its nostalgic line of fast and cheap products still has a place in our hearts and minds. One product K-Tel never produced was a “Fast and Cheap” divorce. But do such things exist?
$395 Divorce?! Watch Out for BeDazzlers
Some law firms advertise on television and the internet with promises of fast, cheap [uncontested] Virginia divorces as low as $395 [plus court costs]. These dazzling displays of divorce dexterity belie many, many conditions attached to the “deal.”
How many divorces are completely uncontested? Most of the ones on television comedies are (television dramas, on the other hand, require highly contested and acrimonious divorces), but some few small realities interfere with the fantasy that your mystical unicorn divorce will resolve itself in one week:
- Child custody
- Property settlement agreement
- Spousal support
- Financial entanglements
- Fault grounds
Cheap Divorce Attorneys are Fishin’ Magicians
An attorney can afford to toss out a bit of commercial bait advertising a fast and nearly free divorce, because the internet ads are extremely cheap. The law office tossing up “fast and affordable” divorce ads is essentially fishing for business. Not exactly a bait-and-switch tactic, the “fast and cheap” divorce fits a very narrow number of cases.
The attorney will guide you from that bottom-feeding offer to the more realistic rates involved with a typical three- to six-month Virginia divorce. The lawyer’s time on your case will be far greater for the actual divorce than the mythical one-week Fast-N-Cheap product. Attorneys generally bill by the hour, not including other services.
But Wait There’s More!
A competent Virginia family law attorney knows a divorce requires discovery, which includes depositions, interrogatories, witness interviews and more. Some divorces require forensic accountants to uncover hidden assets, or to reveal the depths of debt your soon-to-be ex-wife may have subjected you.
Office fees, too, can pile up. Photocopies, transcriptions, mailings and filings all take time and cost money. Most divorces involve more than a few filing steps, with repeated visits to the courthouse.
Courts are not “in business,” nor are they competitive. They provide a public good, and attempt to spread the costs out across communities. Each court has a schedule of fees for its public services, so expect to pay court costs for filings and other documents. These are not going to vary based on the law firm you use, and no law firm is going to discount them.
Not so Fast!
We get it — we live in a fast-moving society; people want action now. You are fed up with your wife’s behavior, spending, treatment of your children, or refusal to buy the Massage-O-Ball you’ve always wanted. You want divorce quickly, but the law is deliberately designed to slow things down. Speed makes for many mistakes. Papers can be misfiled, contestable items can get overlooked, or important agreements forgotten.
The law takes as much of the emotion out of the process as it can. Three months is not a long time to wait for something as drastic and dramatic as a divorce. During that time, you and your attorney can make sure you have everything decided, all future issues accounted for, and your wishes spelled out.
You have to live through six months or a year of separation anyway; what is the value of a big rush so close to realizing your goal?
Do You Really Want a Cheap Divorce?
Fast and cheap has its upsides. Fast and cheap food can (sometimes) be good and satisfying. You can’t beat Doc Taylor’s in Virginia Beach for a $2.50 Bloody Mary, for example. K-Tel made a mint on fast and cheap products, ranging from Bionic Glue to the Vacuum Brush and we are sure they are all wonderful. But do you really want a cheap divorce? Do you want to cut corners on one of the most important, life-changing decisions you will ever make?
Consider the aspects of a Virginia divorce:
- Fault grounds or no fault grounds
- Child custody
- Spousal support
- Property settlement agreement
- Child support
Which one seems like a good candidate for doing on the cheap? Do your kids really need complete legal protection? Does your bank account really warrant legal safeguards? Come on, how worried should you be about your retirement accounts? Surely a cheap lawyer will have clever and great ways to get around pesky filings and complex legal details!
Dial-O-Matic, but Don’t Say We Didn’t Warn You
You can of course call one of these fast and cheap divorce outfits, just as — at one time — you could call K-Tel to speak to an operator standing by (no chairs for any of them, alas!) to get your own Miracle Slurp-Eez. Like the Slurp-Eez sucking up spills, those attorneys will suck up your time and money delivering a lot of empty promises. You are better off dialing up a trustworthy, reputable law firm. You pay for what you get, and if you want a professional, quality product, you have to pay for it. A few dollars now will save you many hours of grief and misery in the future.
Act Now and Call The Firm For Men!
Fast and cheap divorces in Virginia are not as mythical as Bigfoot (the beast, not the K-Tel toy), but they come with so many caveats, strings and conditions as to be nearly worthless.
You do not need to act now, today or tonight. You can think about your choices. You can act carefully and protect yourself, your children and your possessions by calling us at The Firm for Men, 757-383-9184, for a quality, careful and complete divorce process. We are not fast or cheap. We do not promise free steak knives. But we are competent, knowledgeable, and caring. Contact us soon.
1. http://www.ktel.com/classics.php
