In 1932 a couple of German doctors called some children’s constant restlessness and inability to focus by a medical term, hyperkinetic disease. That was inevitably followed in 1937 by medication, benzedrine, to treat it. Today we call it attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). Whether in adults or children, ADHD can be a major disrupter in divorce and custody schedules.

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What is ADHD?

ADHD is a psychiatric diagnosis whose guidelines are dictated by the American Psychiatric Association (APA). ADHD did not appear in the APA’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) until 1968.

The term ADD was batted around for a while (from 1980 to 1987) before being dropped from the DSM 4. No medical or educational professional uses the term ADD anymore. Today’s DSM 5 has only ADHD.

The APA lists three types of the disorder:

  1. Mostly inattentive
  2. Mostly hyperactive and impulsive
  3. A combined type that includes all three symptoms

Some five million American children are diagnosed with ADHD, with twice as many boys suffering as girls. Adults suffer, too: 4.4 percent of adults are diagnosed. Again, the majority (62 percent) are men.

Custody with an ADHD Child

If one of your children has ADHD, you already know your life has been made … more interesting … by the disorder. You already know, for example, that ADHD children need structure, routine, and predictability. For school mornings:

  1. As many “morning” chores are done the night before — bathing, packing the school bag, deciding on clothes, making the bag lunch.
  2. The alarm clock is set at night.
  3. In the morning, TV, screen devices, and computers stay off.
  4. Distractions (books, catalogs, magazines, toys) are tucked away.

For after school homework help:

  1. Start homework at the same time each afternoon.
  2. Stay nearby but do not distract your child.
  3. Let your kid have frequent, short breaks that involve burning off some energy.
  4. Allow creative struggle but monitor your child for frustration.
  5. Though homework itself can be a fun source of creative thinking, always offer a fun activity to be earned after homework.

These routines should not change when you are enjoying visitation with your kids. Communicate — perhaps exhaustively — with your ex-spouse to ensure you both are consistent, keeping to the predictable and reassuring schedule, and maintaining high levels of expectations. If you adopt an Uncle Dad approach — you bend rules, ignore misbehavior, shower your child with unearned rewards — you almost guarantee your child’s academic failure. An ADHD child cannot cope with one routine at Mom’s house and no routine at Dad’s place.

Ashburn Psychological and Psychiatric Services has these recommendations:

  • Customize a plan for your ADHD child and screen it with medical and mental health professionals.
  • Limit transitions — Instead of you having your ADHD child every other weekend, consider longer periods of time at each household.
  • Avoid mid-week transitions — In general, do not ask the child to have overnight visits mid-week; on the other hand, if the child is with one parent for two weeks at a time, a mid-week break for Dinner with Dad can give Mom a brief respite and the child a welcome diversion.
  • Anticipate adjustment problems — An ADHD child can become accustomed to two parents/two households, but do not expect your kid to snap into place like a LegoⓇ brick; be willing to take the process slowly, including hand-offs during transitions.

Key to success with an ADHD child in a divorced family is to co-parent using the same set of rules, schedules, and expectations.

  • Explain, explain, explain how the schedules, transitions, expectations, and house rules will work; do this in frequent, short talks over time.
  • The noncustodial parent should plan for and welcome long overnight visitations — a week, two weeks — rather than a day or two here and there.
  • Both houses should be set up to provide similar quiet, open space for homework.
  • Both houses should use the same set of rules, rituals, and schedules.
  • Both parents should know the medication regimen and how to refill medicines.
  • Both houses should provide healthy foods and plenty of exercise.
  • Hold your ADHD child to account for bad behavior, always.

Parents with ADHD

Does ADHD lead to divorce? It can, says a 2021 study from Ohio University and Appalachian State University. ADHD Online says the study pointed to a failure rate of relationships twice that of couples without ADHD.

If one of the adults is diagnosed with ADHD, behavior analyst and mental health professional Ryan Bolling offers these suggestions:

  • Be familiar with ADHD’s symptoms.
  • Consider how those symptoms affected and are affecting your relationship — before and after the divorce.
  • Maintain open communication in a calm and respectful way.
  • Acknowledge that divorce will not make the ADHD in your ex-spouse go away.
  • Be mindful of the frustration the non-ADHD parent feels, even after divorce.
  • Consider seeking a therapist or counselor so both of you can cope with life after divorce.

The structure you might have provided an ADHD child also works for the ADHD adult. Your former partner needs structure, predictability, and routine.

With struggling ADHD adults, the formal schedule of parenting time is a lifeline. Avoid disrupting that with special requests sprung at the last minute. Your spouse will not be able to cope with the sudden change.

If your spouse is “high-conflict ADHD,” or you suffered a high conflict divorce, consider these ideas from ADHD Roller Coaster:

  • Avoid offering suggestions when the ADHD adult is in a hyperactive state — nothing you say or do will resonate or make sense to that person.
  • Reinforce the agreed-upon, court-approved parenting time schedule by sending neutral, respectful reminder texts or emails ahead of every transition.
  • Use the BIFF technique in all communication — Be Brief, Informative, Friendly, but F
  • Stick to the parenting time schedule, no matter what, and inform your ADHD ex of the consequences of ignoring it — you will call your attorney, your ex-spouse will face contempt of court charges, and so on.

Minimizing transitions, creating ritual and routine, and maintaining rules will provide the calmest way to enjoy your ADHD child or handle your ADHD ex. The Firm For Men can offer plenty of other helpful ideas for your family law dilemma. Call our office at (757) 383-9184 today, or contact us online. We look forward to meeting for your initial consultation!