America loves apple pie and underdogs. We root for the Bad News Bears and we shed a tear for the recovering addict. If you did not get shared custody of your children after a Virginia divorce, or your ex-wife got sole custody, you have a worthy but challenging task ahead: reversing sole custody. A Virginia court has literally judged you not fit to have custody of your children. Reversing that finding is a huge task. You cannot do it alone; you will need an excellent family lawyer by your side. Since you probably already have experience with overcoming adversity, you already know what it is like to need the help of others.
Why You Did Not Win Sole Custody
Nobody has it in for you. The Virginia judge probably could not pick you out in a crowd of 100 people. So why, you wonder, did the court find you unfit to have sole custody of your own children? Code of Virginia § 20-124.2 specifically orders the judge to consider not your concerns, but “the best interests of the child.” Every aspect of your life, and your wife’s life, is weighed against this very high standard spelled out line by line in § 20-124.3:
- Your child’s age, physical abilities and mental condition
- Your (and your wife’s) age, physical condition, and mental state
- The positive involvement you have shown in your relationship with your child
- Evidence that you assess and meet your child’s emotional, intellectual and physical needs
- Relationships between siblings, peers and extended family members
- Your past role as a father (and your ex-wife’s past role as a mother) and your future plans
The court can also consider the wishes of your children, expert opinions by outside agencies and professionals, and just about anything else it wants. At the end of that evaluation, if you did not win sole custody, the court found your ex-wife to be a better fit for the best interests of your children.
What did she do that was better than you? This is hard to answer, but in general, courts will bend to the parent who has shown greater stability, worked harder for the kids, placed a higher priority on the children, and put children before herself or himself.
Preparing to File for Sole Custody
In many ways, some of the worst reasons for failing to get sole custody are some of the easiest to fix. You may have failed to live up to the court’s standards due to your temporary circumstances at the time of your divorce:
- Unemployed
- Addiction (gambling, drugs, alcohol)
- Homeless
If you found yourself in narrow straits either because of or during your divorce, you can remedy all of those conditions and petition the court for a review of custody, using your family law attorney to advance your case.
Are those temporary issues easy to fix? No, we would not argue that addiction, unemployment or homelessness has an overnight solution. If, though, you really want your kids, you will do what you must, change what you can, and work tirelessly to get them. That means demonstrating sobriety, stability, and financial security. That means rallying every fiber in your being to the cause, because you love your kids so much you will not stop until the court recognizes that.
Material Change in Circumstances
Virginia’s court systems protect Virginia’s children because they grow up to be Virginia citizens. They need to be fit, smart and healthy so they can become tax paying citizens with good jobs. You cannot argue a “Mrs. Doubtfire” defense, that your love for your kids is enough. Frankly, it is not; you were weighed against your ex-wife and found to be wanting.
So, address anything that your divorce attorney says the court identified as a weakness. Your wife may have won custody because her job paid more, or she owned the house you raised your children in, or she has a doctorate in early childhood education. Some of her positives will always outweigh yours.
Assess your negatives and work hard to paint a more favorable picture of you as a great Virginia dad fully capable of winning sole custody. Demonstrate to the court a “material change in circumstances,” words embedded in the Code to set a standard for evaluating a shift in custody.
“Material change in circumstances” does not mean tearing down your ex-wife; pointing out her negatives will never erase yours. “Material change” can be positive or negative, and can originate with you, your ex-wife, or your children. If your wife has sole custody but cannot handle your suddenly temperamental teenage boy, for example, you have an opportunity to show you can relate better to him and be a better parent. A better job, a nicer home, or a clean record are all material changes in circumstances.
We’re Custody Attorneys for Dads
Please call The Firm For Men at 757-383-9184; we can work with you to help solve your most complex family law issues. The challenges you face may only come to you once in your life, but custody, visitation and child support are all in a day’s work for us. Please call, or contact us online, today. We’re the only family law firm in the state of Virginia representing men exclusively, and with offices in Newport News and Virginia Beach, we’re central to all of Hampton Roads!
